Going somewhere

I would very much like to go somewhere.

This year, when people have asked me what my favorite thing to do is, I have said (because it's a safe thing to say in front I of people when trying to sound cool and because it is actually true), is to go downtown with people and go out to some awesome restaurant, ending the evening with coffee.

Like I said, this is true. But recently have been recontemplating that answer and thinking of other things I miss and legitimately love.

The first thing that pops into my head is South Dakota. Now, that is a story for another day of how I ended up traveling there with my Grandma last summer. It's one of those things you just don't plan on doing, and then when you're in the car on the way six hours into a two-day trip you think, Okay this is happening. This is happening, and I am going, right now.

*I know I am comma happy*

When I think of South Dakota I immediately want to be back there. Notice I didn't say go back, I said be back. I would love to teleport so I didn't have to be in the car looking at corn for so many hours.

This is why I loved it:

My family there is awesome. Getting to know them was an incredible blessing. Seeing them in Michigan would be fantastic, but there are reasons I liked being there. Most of it had to do with their front porch.

Life in South Dakota is slower than life at my house. We weren't at Target multiple times in a day. We weren't constantly on a highway. Trains and planes and engines didn't provide a soundtrack to accompany dinner. There was empty land for the sun to set over.

Bike rides could get you where you wanted to go. Cars were only necessary to a degree. And the nights were quiet.

I sat there alone one Wednesday. I sat alone on their porch one Wednesday night and cried.

I did not know what had happened to me. College was going to be fantastic, I knew I was supposed to go there. My soul had been as hard as a rock so I thought I was pretty prepared for saying goodbye to everything I used to be. That wasn't really planned. That was just the understood reality. Once I left, I was gone. Living with my family wasn't then the assumption or a definite, it became an option.

Leaving meant I had more at my fingertips than I could've imagined before. And I would be on my own to navigate through this thing.

I thought about this as I ignored the book in my lap and swayed up and down in a creaking rocking chair. Staring at the chipping paint surrounding the door frame, inhaling summer breeze laced with layers of dust from the boxed up library under the window sill.

This is what life was supposed to be like, sometimes.

This was a moment when you feel suspended in time somewhat, when you feel like you've pressed pause on your own existence and taken a minute to step outside of it.

Outside looking in and making the realization that you know absolutely nothing about anything. You only know that you are real, and that rocking chair is real, and the One who formed the sun going down loves you. And the people you love are from that same One.

That's doesn't feel like a ton of security when you are potentially being flung into a city you know nothing about. Dear naiive suburbanite girl child, here is life in front of you. Your move.

And the God of the universe was there. He remembers.

He remembers the chipping paint and the squeak of the wobbly screen door. He remembers the wicker side table and the fan that was much to strong for my cold toes.

It took me a long time of contemplating this moment to realize why I liked South Dakota so much.

It wasn't really because of their porch. I have been on a porch or two. It wasn't really because of the summer night, or because I had a moment alone to cry.

I love South Dakota because the Creator whispered to me there.

Emphasis on whispered.

I think I want a booming sound, sometimes. I think that if only the earth shook beneath my feet, and if only a engulfing bass sound rocked my body and ears, if only shattered glass exploded from the windows, if only the church bells rang in chaos with us under them.

If He was big, and He let us see him,

Then I am in for sure.

..


That is why I begged that night. I held my hesitant hands out like a child and prayed Dear Lord, hear me.

I still can only whisper.

But He remembers South Dakota. He sees the rhythm of my typing fingers and He made them that way. He sewed together the compassions of my family and I and the South Dakota sun and made something gorgeous out of it.

Yikes,

I can't keep up with Him.
Or imagine what how He creates, or imagine what is to come.


I hope that from learning in this, I understand more that South Dakota can be anywhere.
That it can be here on my bed in my dorm room, or the California room, or T5, or Chicago.

Let Him come, let Him come.

We are here to hear Your whisper.

Family

My fb status said something about family this week.

As in, once you're in it, you're in it forever.

Then Brendan posted the Make it Spicy video, before Brian died.


I can't explain. I do not understand why our Creator would make us this way. I do not know how he came to the decision of making us this way, reacting to events, and people, and love in such a way as we do.

He not only allowed us to feel pain, but joy. And feel it not for a moment but for long, suspended periods of time. When we can experience our hearts clenching inside of us when we laugh. Because there is hurt, and memories, and incredible love that all gets mixed together and poured out in that laugh.

I used to think of memories as bad things sometimes. Memories allow us to re-feel the pain that we struggle to leave behind. They can sadden our eyes and cause us to try and fade away to forget them. That can be true.

But memories can also be the summer we long for in the winter.

When we feel like the ice and snow are permanent. When we aren't sure if grey will become a constant cover, or if pink will ever re-surface on the trees and such.

Those moments of beautiful can be as redeeming as the little bird voice I heard this morning outside my window.

There is so much hope in that. So much hope. Because if it's happened before it can happen again. If love has happened before, it can happen again. If we were alive before we can be alive again. If we had hope before we can muster up some hope again.

And this, friends, is why I continue to hold on to Jesus Christ. I don't understand, but I know that I can't exist in winter forever.
And each word from him is somewhat like a bird-song.


Choose to say it's crazy, choose to say it's worth it, choose to ignore completely and return to youtube.

Or, choose to hope.

There's so much more than winter.

If you say go

We will go.

If you say wait

We will wait.

If you say step out on the water, and they say it can't be done

We will fix our eyes on you and we will come

Your ways

are higher than our ways

and the plans that you have laid are good and true.

So if you call us to the fire, you will not withdraw your hand

We will gaze into the flames and look to you.


-"If you say go"

I am overwhelmed with joy. Therefore, I write again.

I just stalked my fb timeline in 2009.

I came across more than 155 messages from people that I knew, that year.

Blessed.

Ilana's friend Kailey say "Blessings" all the time when she sees people she knows. Her very own version of goodbye. I've always thought it was pretty cute, but I have not quite noticed the word "blessed", or "blessings" (in the case of wishing them upon someone), the same way as I do in this moment.

Beautiful life.


I apologize if you are a person who is suffering. I, too, have had days when I feel like I'm carrying some problems of the world on my shoulders. We are bent over with sorrow for those who ache, sometimes for ourselves, and simply wonder,

"Why, Lord? Why?"

That happens. Sometimes for days, sometimes for seasons.


I spoke with my philosophy professor about the Problem of Evil last semester. I thought, what if they are right? What if this problem of evil is just too great for us? It can't be defeated until Christ comes back, and the thought of even one more suffering innocent is just too much to handle.

And she said,

Things that are evil are evil because they are a contrast, and a depletion of true beauty that does exist. It's because they are not the way things are supposed to be. The true problem would be if they became normal, and if we were not upset about them.

Hello, tangent.

Point:

Suffering is hard. We worry about relationships, starvation, homework, jobs, natural disasters, family issues, sickness, and pain.

BUT

We hate them because they are unlike what God intended ours lives to be like. Harmonious and beautiful, filled with joy and thankfulness for the love he bestows upon us.

..Amen?


I can't list the names of every wonderful person that has impacted by life. I just can't. They would fill this page and then I would surely leave someone out and would become worried about that.

So instead I'll just say thank you.

To those who have shined so brightly in a world that can be so dark.

To those who have loved when they aren't loved in return. For those who are patient, giddy, strong, brave, smart, and trusting.

For those who have given something up, and have taken hits.

For those who are actively pursuing Christ, bringing honor to him in whatever they do.
Some of you have done that without even knowing.


He is so good. And this God that we know, this beautiful and benevolent, yet powerful God,

will reign forever.

I am so, so grateful that he sent beauty, like flowers,

and beauty, like you.

To me.





He shows himself through our love.

Goodnight,

dream of beautiful things.

"So live in my love"

Pensive.

Thinker/feeler ENFJ.

What do you do when your mind is a whirl-wind of everything?

I know I need to write this essay. But my mind is a combination of a bajillion questions and notions and "please get to know me"s.

Here we are.

We are so loved by Christ Jesus, who is Lord above all.

I would love not to share that with you. So that you don't think I'm crazy. I just want to grab you, reader, and pull you close. As we're sitting together, my face close to yours, just sitting in the chairs outside,

I would say it again.

Because it's important.

It's important for you to know when you think about life. When you think about who you are. It's important for us to know,

in the last days.
In the now days.



It's important, love,

This is important.

Because each moment and relationship is something precious. And we can't simply stand by when wonderful is at our fingertips.

When truth is before us and ready to be fervently sought and grasped!!
The Lord of all creation knows you.

knows you.


I have to do my homework now. I just have to.

But that's something we cannot afford to forget.


He is here.


"...live in my love."

John 15.

Genuine.

Dear reader,
I, Anna, officially give you permission.

I know, it sounds like  a big deal, but don't be afraid. I honestly think you can do this.

You officially have permission to breathe.

Rest.

To stop. To stop your thoughts, to stop crossing things off your task list, to stop moving.




We need to breathe.


Donald Miller came to my school the other night. One of his key points, to how we should live this life we were given, was that we should know what we want.

We are not to simply acknowledge this, but to embrace it. To find what we want and run full speed ahead until we're holding it, bright and warm in our wind-chapped hands.

We're supposed to run.


Lately I just sit and rock back and forth. You know what I mean. It's like when little kids get overwhelmed sometimes. They just clench their little fists, bring their knees up to their chin and close their eyes. And from there comes a steady rhythm, remedy for the soul.

Right?

I need a better remedy.

I need the rest of the Holy One.


I'm not even going to mention how I attempt to find remedies. I'm not going to mention the countless bites of ice cream and chocolate, cutting things out of the schedule, finally talking to that one guy you hadn't had the guts to yet, or reading one more novel that might have REALLY good advice this time. Or all those times that the point just becomes.. ignored.

Those don't. help. anything.

The fact is, I still can't solve every world problem. I can't even finish my homework half the time and to be honest, at work I get by on severely minimal information. It's just trying to slip by.


So what do I want?


Here was the process of my brainstorm:

1. Truth. That's where my compulsive truth-teller part comes in. I really hate lying. I'm actual quite awful at it. Trying to cover things up is something that never works.. you can always tell by my expressionless stare for the split seconds preceding my response of "uhhm..". Don't lie to me, because once I find out, I'm gonna be mad. And I want to know what all of this is honestly about. All of this experience, all of this pain, all of the emotion, and why every event happens. I know that only God knows. But why not try to understand the most of it that I can.

2. What is real. Truth is just too much. Truth uncovers all the gross baggage that we bury under layers of personalities, spirituality, attempts to make it big time. So maybe I'm just looking for real things. None of this shallowness- none of this Starbucks, shoe shopping, have a suburban house with a doctor, life. That's not bad at all. I just feel that, with my current convictions, that's not the end to be striving for. That just can't be the only thing I want.

3. Genuineness. There it is. That has to be it. I want to know people and to be known. I want to know God and I want to understand that he knows me, I want to know that love. What that love really is. What people really care about. .. Dang.. I thought point three would be the last. I thought that would be the answer. I thought.. there can't be any better description of what I want out of this life.

I don't have any satisfaction in number three.

..None.



I am designed.

I am.. formed out of nothing.

I am made from something somewhat to the likes of a scientific noun of a thing. A something in there somewhere. A- "it's not a real baby yet." (bull crap.)

I am meticulously put together. Sewn into being with thread of idiosyncrasies and doubts, of capacity for knowledge but not complete knowledge, of care for the deep and the shallow, want for the right and for the wrong, confusion, and hope, and desperate longing for trust.

I am here on purpose.

I come from someone.

I am intimately loved and adored.

And you,



You

are intimately loved and adored.


I think, if I reach deep enough. In the robot-self of me. If I use my hands to yank out a chunk of colored copper and plastic, and use my polish-chipped nails to untangle the mass of the hard-wired system of Anna,

if I got down to the tiny life-giving fibers and pick out the little chip of stuff that is what I want..

That want is to know Him who made me.

Him.





No one I have ever known will be as good as Him. As whole as Him. As beautifully self-sacrificing as He is.


So,

if I had to put it simply...

I'd say, you need to seek him.

Because you're not going to believe a word of this until you know yourself.

I guess you need to start running toward him my friend.

Certainly don't take my word for it alone.




This is about you. And Him who loves you more than life.

..Let go and run.




* * * * * * * * * * * * * *




For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
How precious to me are your thoughts, God!

Time.

"To act justly and to
 love mercy and to
walk humbly with your God."

Doesn't it seem like there's constantly a rush?

I am always rushing.

To finish my homework five minutes before it's due.
To get to breakfast on time if at all.
To get a job to start paying off school.
To begin a plan for my future.
To meet someone so I can supposedly start the future.
To not be a freshman, or a college student, or lost.

Yikes.

It seems like I'm always heading there as to not be here. "There" meaning any green grass that I think will taste better than what I have now. And what I don't understand about all that is I have a very wonderful "now."

I am constantly trying to figure out how to balance on this tight-rope timeline, living full speed ahead or living as one of the moment people, who are always having fun because they know how to enjoy each experienced piece of time.

I don't know how to do either.

Ideally, I would be soaking up each conversation, lecture, and train ride like a sponge. Remembering every little piece of life and smiling at each moment.
..This is not reality.

I don't actually think anyone lives like that. That's not what life is like. It's appreciating beauty in normalcy, and living greatly wherever that may be.

So I'm thinking I can make some adjustments to approach this.

Like spending less time on netflix. Having more intentional conversations with more people, and caring more. Catching up with people. Getting up smiling after I fall down the stairs. Letting little things go. Being more fun to be around. Losing the pride/egocentrism. Reading more books! Not being so selective in what I think is funny... Saying hello.

It's healthier to laugh more.

Knowing when to reach out and when to ask for help. Knowing when to stay silent and when to let your thoughts be spoken. When to let things slide and when to address them head-on.

And praying. Always.


Because I'm not sure of the finish to all this, here' s a sort of a synopsis. It's going to be okay. We got this. And this day can be wonderfully awesome even if nothing ground-breaking seems to show up.

The sun still came up outside my window this morning.

See? We already began with the most fantastic intro.